Hi.

I've been hanging out with my lesbian friends lately, and it's been a lot of fun. I drunk karaoked Miley Cyrus' - See You Again at some little lesbian bar and it was quite the show. Being 21 is a lot of drunken fun, and I enjoy it. My bank account does not.

How can I still be friggin confused, after sleeping with both sexes and just, ugh. It's dumb. Whoever can give me actual GOOD sex first--- you're the winner! haha Just Kidding. But fuck. I want to sleep with some hot person who knows what they're doing. Not my experiences thus far.

I can't stop liking you. I can never like people that I have a chance with, can I? God dammit, heart, pick people who are fucking realistic.

whoa, hey, i completely forgot about this journal.

I have a huge crush on this girl at my new work, yes already.......But I'm 90% sure she's completely straight. But damn, I want to get myself some one like her! She's amazing! haha...Why don't I ever like gay girls huh? And the few I've liked that actually DO like women in return, are completely immature and younger than me. Fucking lame!

I want this straight one. haha.

Fuck. I realized tonight that I DO like Haley. As much as I said in my last entry and in my mind lately, that "Haley doesn't do relationships, but that's totally okay because she wants to sleep with me, and we can still fool around and not get emotions involved"...Well That's not okay because I'm starting to like her. I'm starting to catch myself thinking about her multiple times throughout the day. And miss her. And want to talk to her just because. And wanting to tell her that you like her. FUuuuuUUUck. Not get your emotions involved, right Kelsey? Like you were ever possible of such a thing.

So that kind of sucks. That I'm starting to like her. But at least its just like. With my luck I can move onto somebody else and forget about liking the impossible. There's no way I'd ever tell her that I was into her, because why feed that ego?? haha, no really, I can't get in a relationship with her so there's no point in admitting or swapping feelings. It'd probably just do me harm.

I don't wanna work tomorrow! It's pretty bad that you already don't want to go to your job the SECOND day of work. I think it's mainly because I know there's a big labor day sale, and I hate it when companies start training you when its super busy. It's dumb. They should train you when it's slow, so you can learn at your own pace..Whatev, I'll live!

I just knew that when I started working and going back to school, my happiness would go from 99% happy, to 51% happy. Work just gets in the way of things. And I usually wouldn't dislike school and film classes so much, but if it wasn't for work....I wouldn't loathe the fact that I have to spend what LITTLE freetime I have doing school projects. It's lame =(

Wow I wrote a lot in my livejournal tonight. Sorry guys =/ I'm not depressed or anything, but honestly, I'm pretty bummed out about life right now, in this moment.

I started a new job today, school started 2 weeks ago, and life sucks again because I'm going to be so busy with those 2. This summer not working....was amazing.

Well, I don't know what to update. The girl I was excited about in my last entry, Haley, isn't ever going to be a relationship or anything. She reminds me SO much of Tiana and I'm protecting my heart by not getting involved with people like them. Meaning people who: have crushes on 5 different people at once and can't ever concentrate on just one person, is already 'in love' with a friend of theirs ONTOP of these numerous crushes, and doesn't do serious relationships. Tiana told me in the beginning that serious relationships scared her, and I didnt listen. Well, now my ears are wide open to other people's subtle warnings of eventual and unavoiding heartbreak.

Haley however is interested in me and apparently wants to sleep with me. So maybe I can have some fun with her, but not get into a relationship.

Tiana and I aren't really friends anymore. On her part. She's a fucking liar. She tells me all these things "I don't want you out of my life, you still mean so much to me, I always want to be your best friend" blah blah blah....Yet today marks yet ANOTHER full week of no talking-no texts-no phone calls-no nothing. We'll text like once a week. And I have given up on contacting her because I used to a lot a few weeks ago, and anyway, she's not putting any effort or showing ANY interest in staying friends with me. What a fucking liar, she shouldn't tell me all of these deep things "I always want to be close to you" if they're full of complete shit. I'm starting to fucking dislike that stupid girl. She chews people up and spits them out and moves on to the next person. She treats her past people like shit. Stupid girl.

At my job, I already have a minor crush on this guy Andy, who's new and did a little bit of training with me today, he's new too. It's my first guy crush (besides Kyle at school) in quite a while, haha. He just moved here from minnesota (which is cute, for some reason I'm attracted to people who didn't grow up here in AZ And are from someplace else), and he's class of 2005 like me and he transferred to ASU to do some audio and video thing. Which I didn't ask too many question about (yet) but it seems similar to my film production major/interest. And I kind of am into this one girl but I don't know her name yet but she's hot and seems like she has a fun personality. We talked for a little bit.

So yeah, I've got tonssss of co-workers to get to know and maybe I can date/have fun with some of them. Who knows?!

That's about it with me. I'm upset I can't drink this weekend because of work. I was supposed to last night (Saturday) to celebrate Anthony's new AWESOME apartment (his old one kinda sucked), but I had to work this morning. I was like okay, whatever Anthony, will you guys drink again with me on Sunday? As long as I don't have to work Monday morning which I probably don't? Then I find out at the end of my shift today that I DO have to work tomorrow, at 9AM. So I have to be sober all fucking weekend and it sucks. I've dranken all summer and don't wanna deal with a sober weekend. Whatever, alcoholic!

This is a long entry, and a lot of it is uninteresting and rambling. But just an update, since it's been like a month....I write like I have 20 people reading this, but it's really like nobody. Maybe 2.

One hour until I head to Anthony's apartment to NOT drink and just watch every one else be silly drunk. Fuck! Having a job again.....so fun :/

At least I can start getting a paycheck again and start paying off my stupid debt. I'm kind of lonely and miss human affection. I should go out and have fun dating but not get into anything serious. I don't know. I'm not that good at meeting people.

She finally came back for good yesterday. So we got to talk about why we broke up. And god.....It hurts a lot. We were at that point in the relationship where we were just starting to get serious...and I really could have seen myself falling in love with her someday down the road. I wanted that.

But we're over. For good. I didn't ask if there was any hope for us, because even if there was, I don't know if I'd accept it. She seems to have some growing up to do before she gets in a serious relationship. She's going to be a senior in high school, and she is still at that stage where you have like 5 crushes all at once. She had a huge crush on a girl at camp....who liked her back....There is something going on between them. And they're still talking a lot....And that makes this breakup hurt 100 times more. I'm never good enough. She was all I thought about. The ONLY person I wanted, or even thought about wanting....and it wasn't the same. That's why we broke up. I wasn't the one for her, and it didn't feel right (to her). To me it felt right. But I guess that's what I want in life right now...maybe she doesn't.

So it's time to move on. And I don't know how the fuck I go about doing that. Because I don't want this. And it hurts a lot and relationships suck when theyre not making you happy.

Oh....to be single again....

:(

I hate relationships.

Well, my girl is in Prescott, AZ working at a summer camp for the next two months. Well, except for a 3 week break at the end of june to go to Europe.....Three weeks of no talking whatsoever....?!?! That's going to be so hard.

She left this morning. I must say, when she spent the night over the weekend on Saturday....SUCH A GOOD NIGHT =) Reeses pieces and Mean Girls. hahaha.
I have so much fun with her. I took yesterday off of working on the movie, and we hung out from like 9 in the morning to midnight. And now she's leaving :(

I leave on Saturday for Seattle. When I get back a week later, I plan on visiting her on her next day off that I possibly can. So I can see her before she leaves for Europe the day before my Bday.

I still don't know what to do about my job. My boss is waiting for me to come back and wants to know when I am, but I haven't called him back yet. I really DONT want to go back. And if that's the case, and I don't, then I am pretty much jobless now, with a huge credit card bill :( . I dont want to work. I need money. FUCK. I don't know what to do.

Oh and lemme do a little bit of bragging...the other day, I got to drive Rachael Leigh cook to the airport in my car :) Exciting! She's super sweet. I guess shes married to Daniel, who plays the main character. So she was just visiting on his one day off Sunday.


Pretty much my only updates. Girlfriend! Seattle! Job confusion!

My summer's been a lot busier than I thought it'd be.

SO DAMN BUSY.....

I got sick of passing up film opportunities for working at some stupid part-time job that I barely even like. When I had the chance to work on an independent film shoot that was filming here, I got bummed because there's so many things I would love to participate in...if it wasn't for my fucking job.

SOOO I took a chance, and gave my boss a 1-DAY notice that I was taking a month off. And I've been working on an independent film starring barbara hershey, ron perlman, and daniel gillies. Not HUGE stars, but they're not no-names either really. Filming started Monday. They're 12 hour days, not to mention its not in Phoenix so its like a 40 minute drive to get there (Apache Junction). I'm just a non-paid PA -pretty much the lowest you can get-, but its still an awesome experience to be there, help out with the little things, and watch it all go down. You have to start somewhere, right? I'm having fun and I've gotten to drive around some of the cast to their resorts, and little things like that. I just wish I could do stuff like this all of the time. I wish I didn't have to work. I want some kind of job where I chose my own hours, because I really don't want to go back to Blockbuster when this month is over. LAME!!! I'm never going to get anywhere in this career if I can't get onto as many sets as possible and meet as many people as possible. My part-time job HIGHLY gets in the way of that, and I don't know what to do.

So I'm pretty busy and tired but its fun and definately an experience. I'm learning things. I just wonder how far this movie is going to get. Or if it's even any good, I haven't read the script or anything. Ahhh.

Other updates, Still with the girlfriend. A little over 2 months now. We're good, so far.

VERY distant from my best friend :( We've both been pretty busy I guess. I don't know. It makes me sad though and I miss her. I may not have a huge crush on her anymore, but I still care about her very much as my friend.

Job/Life confusion and Frustration!

I'm so sick of these awkward years between high school and careers.
I'm so sick of being so confused about jobs, school, what the fuck I am doing with myself.
I wish I would try. I really would benefit from trying, ha.


I had a blast this semester. My classmates were all awesome. All of our teachers said we were one of the best TCM classes they've had. I felt the energy from everybody, they were all so positive and supporting of eachother. I picked the right school. I just wish I was more involved with everything.

Today, on the last day of school, we sat in our classroom and watched every one's Films and Commercials. People brought food and drinks (A classmate even brought 40 tacos from Jack in the box! Love it!) and it was just an amazing feeling to be sitting there, watching every one's work they put so much effort into. Watching the completed (or near completed) projects, that in only January were were reading the script ideas infront of the class. It all happened yesterday, yet so long ago. Being nervous about the class shoot in February. And in March, the Production month, every one taking days out of their lives to shoot 12-hour days on film cameras for each member of their group. it's been amazing and I couldn't have asked for a better 25-person class!



JANUARY - APRIL 2007 === The busiest time of my life so far! It's been amazing.
I'm still just so confused because I loved it, yet I have all of these hesitant/whatever feelings about my own work though.

I hope getting a 2 year degree in film production, without a backup plan (or even a Plan on wtf I'm doing in THIS career) is the right path. Ahhhhh!!!

SUMMER BREAK YOU ARE MORE WELCOMED THAN EVER!
A MONTH FROM NOW I'LL BE IN SEATTLE, WA.
RACHEL AND I MIGHT GO TO CALIFORNIA AT THE END OF JUNE.
IM USING CAPS CAUSE IM EXCITED FOR THESE TWO EVENTS.

I'm also starting to dread going to my job, and disliking it, and not wanting to be there. Soooo, yeah, that kind of sucks too.

I don't know why I'm writing in this. Like, one person reads it.

As of March 8th I've had my first girlfriend! Aw how cute. I don't know, Im pretty confused so I try not thinking about it, but either way I'm also pretty happy lately :) And way too busy, inbetween School, work, the gym, and girlfriend. AhhhHhh Summer break is so invited. Life is flying by, it seems.

Um, I like her. A LOT.

We've hung out the last few nights in a row. I went over there after I got off work last night, after 10, and we hung out and talked and listened to music until 2, even though I had to be up a 6:20 this morning. I didn't care.

When I had that little crush on her at work, I didnt know she was that cool. But she is, and I like her a lot more. :) We seem to relate a lot a lot a lot.

I miss my 'alcoholism' from a year and a half ago. I have dranken lately but not nearly as much. I miss being drunk all the time......

Reminiscance? Beers before work! YAaaa!!!!


She came in on Sunday, the first time I saw her there in a few weeks...But Bad timing prevails, and I got sent on break right as she was comin in..So yeah, no luck, I probably have to wait another few weeks to see her again. I look at her account like a stalker sometimes, and she/herfamily comes in almost every day. Just at bad timing.

Laaaaame. I need some sort of change in my life.
School is going good, making a 3 minute short movie on 16mm Film...the Production notebooks with all the preplanning are due in a week, I'm keeping on top of that, man Life is so busy.

Kelsey's Life ===== School. Work. Homework. Gym. Best friend Rachel every now and then.

And that's about all there is time for.

So i Like this girl, and ugh

I don't even know why. She's a customer at work and I go in almost every day hoping to see her, though 90% of the time I don't. How lame am i? Whenever she comes in again and I get a chance to talk to her, my mission: conversation! on something that is not work related. "Hi how are you, Did you find everything ok" does not count.

Say Anything + Saves the day on tour together. GO!

I never let myself down because I never set out goals or standards for myself; I don't like it this way.
I don't make new years resolutions but there are some things that I need to change, I won't call them resolutions and I haven't worked through them yet, but I will get there


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wait wait wait, whens the next season of the L word coming on? am I reading right when it says January 7?

if any one knows please let me knowww. i shouldn't be this excited. Ok I think it's time to start geting drunk now

Alriiiiiiiight! My parents are finally stepping up to technology. In their recent spending sprees over this weekend, we are finally fuckin getting digital cable....Meaning....Showtime!? I don't have to wait until the future seasons of the L word come out on dvd? How badass is that. I hope a new season comes on soon, because I want to make use of having it finally. I want to take advantage. Its going to be so weird only watching an episode a week, instead of finishing an entire season in 3 days!



happy new years all, get wasted!

i dont like it that life can be so difficult, i feel like nothing ever changes. iam sick of school and work and being here. true its winter break but come january, it awaits yet again yet again. i dont feel like anything is moving forward. i dont want to go to work tonight, nor for the thousands of days of work that lay ahead of me and life. how depressing. things need to be different for once.

i am so bored with myself and i have only thirty minutes left of my day until work takes up the rest g.glskdfkgfkdkdklala!!!! i feel like a boyfriend or girlfriend or something. somebody to share things with, besides my best friend.

on a brighter note, the song Turn it Up by paris hilton always brings a smile to my face. how funny is the beginning.

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